Doom and Gloom

I don't really like that I dont't want to do work most of the time. I'm not lazy - I just can't get myself to start or focus sometimes. I know that my coping mechanisms have carried me this far (which is pretty above average) and I'm sure they will carry me further, AND I will potentially be getting medication for my ADHD this year after my appointment in February, but I'm eternally terrified of backsliding. I've been waking up late the last couple of days because I've been sleeping through the first few alarms, and even though I've still been awake and at it by 8am every day plus I've been sick, I'm honestly terrified I'm just backsliding again.

I don't really know how to be easier on myself except to be consistent with this. I know it's barely been a month since I've effectively locked in, but a consequence of this brain means my current state feels like my only state (if that makes sense). The daily reviews are helping to let me look back on how productive I actually am despite the illness, but I still always feel like I'm not doing enough.

I know this does seem very doom and gloom but to be honest, I don't really think about these things normally. I just sat down to write this at 9pm to clear the daily blog before I got in bed and I just felt like talking about it. I'm not quite sure what that says, but I'm glad I said it. We'll see how this looks when I come back to this in the future. With that, see ya tomorrow :)

P.S. this new monitor is fucking amazing